i'm not happy.

everyone thinks i am this happy, go-lucky person that's always smiling, always laughing.
that's why most of my friends are my friends. because i'm joking and funny and fun to have around.

if only they knew.

i hate my body. my face. my laugh. my smile.
i hate everything about me.

i'm overweight.
5'5 and 150? 25 bmi. that's fucking overweight.

i'll be 21 at the end of january. that's a little less than 5 months from now.
i want to weight AT LEAST 130 by then.
it's do-able. even healthy. after that i want to eventually get down to 110. that is my main goal. but i know, in my family, i can't not eat.
when i was living on my own, i went from 177 to 143 in a 68 days. it was amazing. 
i wasn't where i wanted to be at all, but it showed me that i have the willpower to do it.

two years ago, i was diagnosed with anorexia, and was hospitalized.
i was at my best though.
105.
i looked so great.
i would've just stayed there, and been fine. i was thinking about trying to get into the double digits, but i decided against it, because my boobs stayed the same size [d's!] so i knew i wouldn't be able to stand up haha.

but my mom had to fucking interfere and put me in a program.
i was there for 3 months.
gained back 30 lbs.
fucking disgusting.
then when i got back home, all she would do was feed me and feed me and feed me.
and i have no gag reflex otherwise i would've just thrown it all back up.
so i ballooned up to a fucking DISGUSTING 180.
i looked like the stay puffed marshmallow man from ghostbusters.

so when they thought i was healthy enough, i moved on out on my own. and oh boy, i didn't eat anything at all for three months, except when i went over there for dinner, which wasn't often, because i didn't want my family to see my progress and try to interfere.
but then i hit some financial problems and had to move back, i didn't have a choice.
my family is loud and german and they eat all the time, and it's so hard to live with them and hide the fact that you don't eat at all.
but at least now, i'm 20 years old, and i'm living with my dad  and my stepmom, and they have their own things to deal with, so they barely pay attention to me.
i know that i can't get down to my long term goal weight when i'm living in this house, but i can get down to a "healthy" weight of 130.
i go running every morning and i eat one meal a day.
i can't go without eating family dinner here. but i get smaller portions and i barely eat any.

i intake about 400 calories a day. if that.

all i drink is unsweetened hot/ice tea and water with lemon.

i must admit though, i love beer, but i'm trying to only drink light beer, or just certain liquors, but i'm only 20, and beggars can't be choosers. 
and i love drinking. a little too much.
haha.


<b>starting weight on 09/05/2007</b>-150 lbs bmi-25.0 [overweight!]
<b>short term goal weight for 01/30/2008</b>-130 lbs bmi-21.6 [normal weight]
<b>long term goal weight for an unspecified date as of yet</b>-110 bmi-18.3 [underweight]

so here goes nothing kiddos, and if you have any advice, please dish it out with reckless abandon.